Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Time to Make a List

Check the calendar at the Brokerage and you'll see that at this time of year, the work slows down and the clients focus on things other than their portfolios. Generally, they begin to pay attention again after the holidays. What do we brokers do during the time when it gets slow? We make lists. We make lists of people to call, lists of clients to chat with, lists of gifts to buy, lists of plans for the next year, and lists of lists. I got tired of making business lists today, so I made a list of Holiday Issues to Discuss. Feel free to talk about these things around your office as well.

The Holiday List of Issues to Discuss

1. These commercials with supermodels hopping around in halos, bras and panties: Don't most men agree that this is false advertising? How many guys have run to the mall and made that purchase, only to see no results from our efforts? I'm not complaining about the commercials, mind you. In fact, if they had a TV channel devoted only to this one commercial, sign me up. I just expect the product to produce a better result at home.

2. While we discuss commercials, how many years are we going to see these beer commercials with horses in the snow, or with all the smiling people coming into a holiday party? It's time to see how these people are acting after five or six beers at that party. Let's see those same people slap-happy buzzed and making a fool of themselves over the crab dip. It might even be fun to see how fast those horses fly around in the snow after having a few beers of their own. Talk about a fun sleigh ride!

3. Does every town have one guy with too much money to spend? You know the guy, right? He decorates his house with so many lights and figures and candy canes and whatever else he can get that needs electric power. I would hate to pay his January electricity bill! There he is, in the paper or on TV with the local weatherman every year, showing off his power-sucking, personal Disneyland. Is there a town in this country that does not have that guy? Are they all related? They may be. If you are that guy in town, you obviously have too much money on your hands, so you probably need to be talking with me. Call my assistant for an appointment. Before January, please.

4. Is there a better Christmas special than "A Charlie Brown Christmas"? Nope. And what's up with that "Frosty Returns" special? Sorry Frosty, you got nothing on Charlie Brown and Linus. I've even seen a replica "Charlie Brown tree" for sale this year (with one red ornament).

5. It's Christmas here in December, which is winter. But Christmas in Australia is in the summer. How do the Aussies like singing about snowmen and sleigh rides while tanning at the beach? I guess swimming suits are the traditional holiday garb of the folks in Sydney during Christmas. I'm not sure I really want to see that much of Santa after thinking about it.

6. How many of you people think that bosses are buying that crappy excuse of, "I've got the flu", during the last two weeks before the holidays. You aren't fooling anyone. We all know you are out trying to finish your shopping for presents. We had two people gone with the "flu" today. All I know is that you better have used the time off to get me something good this year, and it better not be that five-gallon can of stale popcorn.

7. Do we really need to know how egg nog is made? It's probably best not to know what is in it either. I think the rum helps.

8. Finally, don't change your cell phone ring to any Christmas song. If you do this, you're advertising to everyone that you crave attention, even from people that don't know you. Trust me, every 13-year old girl has her cell phone with a Christmas song ring. There's only so many "totally awesome" phone rings to go around. And put the phone on vibrate when you sit next to me at the movies. Either that or plan on a trip to the cell phone shop the next day to get your phone replaced.

9. Have a nice holiday. Don't make me make another list. No jokes about checking it twice either.

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